I choose...

Six AM
Radio Playin'
Stumble out of bed
Runnin' out the door
A brand new day
Never thought I'd have this feeling
Never thought I'd get this far
But I'm okay

Yes, I stumble out at six AM. Sort of. Except I don't stumble out of bed. I frequently sleep on the floor with a mattress despite owning a bed and a room.

And definitely not at six. Sometimes at five, sometimes a little after six. Sometimes not at all - because I stayed up all night, studying.

Lately I have found that life is dangling a bait in front of me and pulling it away as soon as I am close enough to reach it.

Enrolling in the Personality course for 2012 Spring Semester really is a change of pace. I find the course to be interesting.

Indeed, I may find myself analysing my own personality before the course ends.

As for my other endeavours, I have not written a fic for the longest time. Music, on the other hand, is quite different for me. Despite having sold off our favorite piano, I still read piano and orchestral scores as I listen to music. Sometimes, when I know the music off the top of my head, I can picture the tones, the notes as I go along the score. I'm not very musically inclined, but I really love how the notes just progress from forte to pianissimo, the increasing velocity and sometimes the ritardando... It's like reading your favorite book over and over again.

So even if my piano isn't with me, it's quite alright when I have the scores to whet my appetite. Perhaps some day, when I can afford a digital one, I might buy it.

My piano teacher whom I met about a month ago after 3 years, asked me and my sister about our piano skills. We had to tell her we'd sold off the prized piano, but we still train our fingers as we look at piano scores.

She seemed really supportive and told us to save up for one. I remember her fondly and loved her classes although we'd sometimes play hooky and didn't have the mood to attend it. Really hope that I'd be able to play on a real piano again in future.

So here's to new wishes, new hopes, everlasting success in everything and God's blessings.

Thank you, Allah, for all you've given me thus far.

Spring Break Ends...

As with everything else, the brief break/holiday comes to an end...

It's already the 3rd -and final- week of holidays. The spring break is coming to a close. Next Monday will mark the beginning of the Summer Semester.

Summer Semester????

Yeah, well, here, in a country where everyday is kinda like summer, there's no such thing as summer break. But I may be wrong, though. It may be just the private colleges... or am I making this up?

See what the end of spring break does to me?

It's been sweltering hot these past few months. The weather's been unpredictable, and rain may fall when it is least expected.

The spring break has been rather short for me. The first week, I was busy with the editing and finishing touches of the video exams plus its submission. The 2nd week was about cleaning the house, picking up the backlog (is that even the proper term?) of laundry, etc. and the 3rd week -this week- my grandma has come over to our house for two weeks.

Hmmm... on another note, I was thinking of going out to buy Kimchi during the weekend at the local Lotte Mart. They have home-made kimchi sold there.

This weekend will be the last for the spring break. I really want to take the opportunity to do some last minute shopping. Haha.

Then, there's the animes my friend has given me (and I really want to finish them before the new semester starts)... which I have gone through about half of them.

Happiness abound!

Hmm.. look at the time... I need to log off.

Well, ja ne!

Rant

I want to be able to have fun on my own, rather than stay at home alone doing nothing but chores all day, all week for the whole semester break. The boredom and loneliness is too much to bear and I find myself reduced to tears.

Loneliness is such a harsh thing to bear, for without the company of at least one other person, and an unreliable cable which shows nothing but static, it's a perfectly boring place to be in. I don't want to spend all day in front of the computer - I want to be out there, walking, looking at things I probably wouldn't buy, but enjoying the exercise none-the-less. But this loneliness just makes the computer an unmoving, emotionless companion.

For the first time, I'm writing something non-optimistic.

I wanted to follow my sister (imouto) to the shopping complex, not to tag along with her friends, but to go the shops I long to go to (away from her and her friends)... like the sushi counter, the giant Japanese cream puff stall... but I know she doesn't like it. So, despite my deepest wish, I told her that it's alright if she didn't want me to follow. Her readiness to agree to that kinda put me down - a lot.

In the first place, I didn't really ask to follow, but my dad proposed that I followed her. I wanted to take up that chance to breathe a little. But as a sister, you can somehow sense what your sibling is feeling. I knew she didn't want me around. So, what could I do?

She's exceedingly lucky to be able to stay somewhere outside of home and experience life away from home. Although I can drive, but my mobility is limited. Dad needs to use my car, and even if I can use the car, it doesn't mean I can simply waltz out.

So here I am, at home, just like every other day, lonely.

LONELINESS.
It's such a scary word. Even if we'll be alone when we die, it doesn't mean that we have to be lonely when we can enjoy other people's company.

A year away from home has made my sister so out-of-tune from my feelings. She can no longer get the hint when her jokes are hurtful to me, when her "aloofness" meant rejection, and when she goes out with her friends and I stay at home alone looking after the house meant I would be lonely while she enjoys time with her friends.

Life, well, it cannot always be fair. Maybe I'll get my share of enjoyment... someday... somehow... if possible... god-willing.

Sigh.

There's always goodbye and hello in life...

Tomorrow... Tomorrow... and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day

こんばんは！

I have been terribly remiss in my blogging, I know. However, sophomore year in college has kept me busy most times and it seems like everyday, there is always something to do. Though it's not like secondary school anymore since I get to choose my classes, it certainly isn't as easy as 1,2,3. I've realized that with the freedom to choose the subjects I would take for each incoming semester comes also the responsibility to keep tabs of prerequisites and wisely choose the subjects (not to mention, being alert of the subjects that are rarely offered so I won't get stuck when choosing the subjects later on).

Since my academic advisor would be leaving at the end of the fall semester, I really began to think of the handful of people who made a difference in my life so far in college.

My academic advisor has been really helpful, really understanding and a responsible as well as a concerned person throughout my freshman year and part of my sophomore year. He taught me philosophy and world religions, and his methods were impressive. It made classes nothing less than interesting, and never boring. So, I'd really want to thank him!

My ex-boss used to say (and I think the only wisdom he ever gave me -don't know about the others): Lots of people can have the knowledge, but only few can impart them.

I think that is very true. In my honest opinion, my advisor is such a person.

In college too, I have met friends who I am glad to associate with. They never realized how much they touched my life, and made my day. Just laughing with them, making jokes, listening to their angst and stories, laughing and feeling concerned together... it makes all the difference in the world. Even when I think 『寂しいな・・・』, they would make me feel that I'm not really alone as I like to think.

I also forged a long-distance friendship with someone from India. I can't believe how much we have in common by just knowing in each other through the fanfiction community. Before this, I've had pen-pals and they never lasted long since most of them were ignorant of my country (Malaysia is not Singapore, thank you very much. It neighbours Singapore. We're also not some reclusive island country off the map), or most can't seem to accept my religion (but no matter, to each their own.)

But no matter, I have plenty of friends who respects me for who I am, and I respect them for who they are. By the way, Happy Diwali/Deepavali, Ani. Tell me about it in your next e-mail, won't you?

The most important thing for me, with so many friends of different background, beliefs and culture, is tolerance that will eventually breed understanding. We learn to love each other for our differences because that is what makes us unique and truly us.

I'm a creature of peace. Are you with me? (Do join the club. Trust me, it's larger than it seems! Hahaha)

So there... I hope I do not offend anyone, and while I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, we can't always say what we want without fully accepting the consequences. Equivalent exchange, karma, logic, whatever you want to call it. So I do apologize in advance. Life is too short to be making enemies or fight with others.

Before I log off, I'll be saying goodnight in three languages excluding English:
おやすみなさい, bonne nuit, and selamat malam.

Before I forget, Today's Pearl of wisdom:
Le monde est un livre dont chaque pas nous ouvre une page
~ Alphonse de Lamartine, Voyage en Orient VIII

Translation: The world is a book; each step opens a page for us.

Let's chew on that thought.

Bienvenue!

Bonjour mes amis..

Je suis desolee.. and I know I've been rather unfaithful in terms of updating this little hobby of mine.

For the record, I've left the previous university, and I while I miss my friends, room mates and the pleasant lecturers there, I still have to say I do enjoy the new environment here.

So far, the only thing evading me is a job =)

Good news for us! My dad has been offered a job. Although it's up on the East Coast, I can't help but feel happy for him. Finally!

and does anybody here keep a LiveJournal aka LJ? It'll be better if we could connect through LJ.

I know this post isn't insightful, but I haven't felt like doing a little delving into something for insight. Next time, maybe. I hope.

Don't worry, it might just be the day after tomorrow.

Au revoir!

A Marathon of Some Sort

Sometimes hope can bring the best things in life...

Greetings everyone!

I am dreadfully sorry to have abandoned my blog for almost two months! It was entirely my fault and I apologise immensely for that.

I have several news I would like to share with all of my dear readers. They will all be explained in chronological order so please bear with me.

It started towards the end of March when my last post was recorded. Back then I was busy filling out forms and such for scholarship and college/university application. Then at the beginning of April, my aunt asked me a favour: I was to help her by filling in the vacant position of clinic attendant while she waited for someone to apply for the job. Needless to say, it wasn't long before one girl did turn up on her doorstep. As it turned out, she was an acquaintance of mine through her mother.

Then a few days after, the results of my matriculation college application came out. I was pleased to find that I was accepted into one of the best matriculation centre in the country. Such an honour! Had I accepted, I would have studied science in matriculation.

However, a few weeks later, I found out that I was accepted into a university quite well-known in the country for a foundation programme in Nursing. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement as I had applied for a foundation programme in English Language Studies. So, I decided then that I would go through matriculation and work my way to a language degree.

Just a few days after, my dad solved the problem. He himself went to the deputy dean and appealed on my behalf (I was busy that day: I had business with the bank). Suffice to say, she told my father I could change my programme when I register at the university.

Then I found out that I failed the interview for an overseas scholarship from the government. It was then I decided that I would go to the university and pursue my preferred programme there. In the meantime, I have appealed for a reconsideration on my behalf in regards to the government scholarship. It's a win-win situation.

By the way, I have resigned from my position as a primary-level tutor. It was fun, exciting and an incredible experience while it lasted. In learned a lot and it has also taught me to be more patient when dealing with stressful situations.

I have now mastered the art of filling in the bank deposit forms. Another milestone for me! So far, I've managed to open a shares account which I can use to deposit my investment earnings which is relatively safe (yep.. I'm playing it safe).

I have always hoped that I would be able to go to a reputable university, study the courses I want and not having to worry about monetary costs. Just a few years ago, I had rejections after rejections when I applied for admission into boarding schools... mainly due to my socio-economic status. Bollocks. My socio-economic status does not dictate whether I can afford paying for university myself.

While my dad is out looking for a job in the gloomy economic environment, I am looking for ways to save money so that I can be eligible for a study loan just in case I don't get a scholarship in the near future. In that case, I'm praying hard for God to help me in this.

So... before I start to rant endlessly and do a 'woe me... pity my... poor me...' impression, I better end this post.

'When you wish and hope with all the will inside of you, you never know what miracle can be wrought upon you'

C'est cela pour maintenant, le merci et la bonne journée.

Grave News.. In the Most Literal Sense

There's been a death in the opposite house...

Emily Dickinson's famous poem which I have learnt in form five has rung true. At times of terrible tragedy, I have always found myself unconsciously shedding tears.

Yesterday morning, a neighbour of mine faced the death of someone close to them. The wife's aunt died in the morning while the maid was giving her some relief from her aches. She had been aching all over the body, particularly her back and her neck. So, that morning, she asked the maid to help massage her. After barely one minute, she started to list and no sooner, she was unconscious.

I was getting ready for a driving test (which, to my relief, I have passed) when I received a phone call from my aunt, who is also my neighbour telling me the news. While waiting for the instructor to fetch me, I made a brief visit to the mourning family.

I could see that the wife was crying but holding it in, from the way her red eyes looked at me, thanking me for coming by and pay my last respects (al-Fatihah, verses from Yaasin). I saw the corpse, covered by the batik cloth and I cried. The coroner had left while I was entering the compound.

After I got back from the test, I went over to her house and looked after her youngest, her daughter, who cried, begging her mother to take her to see her grandmother's sister laid to rest. The rest of the family had followed the car. Luckily, she was easily cajoled so she watched Playhouse Disney as we waited for her family to come home. She kept asking why her mother was yet to come home so I made a few excuses until her mother finally did arrive.

She was so perceptive for a child her age. For so young a child (she is five), she said her grandmother had died and that she was going to be buried below the earth where grasses grow on top. She said her grandmother was no longer alive, and that all of them are going to pray and perform the solat jenazah. She also said that God loves her grandmother and that he has plans for her -something I had told her earlier and she still understood.

It is in this moment that I honestly say: Death changes us. It may not change everything but one person's thoughts and actions leave ripples in time. God has laid the hands of fate onto us for only God knows what's in store for us. Whatever it is, God has the greater plan and as god's creation on earth, we are created by God and to God we will return.

My fellow sisters and brothers in Islam, let's dedicate an al-Fatihah for this lady who had been called back by God. Amiin.