It's been a while and hi, Multiple Sclerosis

Hello, dear readers, followers of this blog.

It has been a while since I updated this blog. Many things happened and I simply couldn't find the time to update until today.

If you've noticed, I've changed the header and included a picture of a bicycle. That is courtesy of freepik.com. The reason why I picked a bicycle is because this blog is a journey. It started when I was a university student and now a teacher at secondary school.

I passed the interview at SPP and was placed in the same school where I began my Teach for Malaysia fellowship. To be honest, the fellowship taught me lots, that I'm sure if I wasn't made of harder stuff, I'd crumble because many things happened and I had to adapt.

However, I didn't realize that my fellowship was when my illness would start to progress aggressively. I didn't know that my clumsiness, tendency to fall and back pains since 2014 was the beginning of it. I started teaching in 2015 with high hopes, building relationships with administrators, teachers and students. I wanted to make a difference in the students' lives on top of teaching a subject I once longed to teach: English Language.

Yet in the middle of 2015, things started to worsen. I'd lose strength on my knees. I'd miss out things because they slipped my vision. I had intense pain in my spine and stomach and my limbs spasmed, it was like a convulsion while I slept.

So I went to a private hospital. Had an MRI and had to be warded - I pushed to be discharged the next day. Way too expensive! They said that I had a prolapsed disc and sent me for physiotherapy - for months. I was able to walk after a few months without feeling weak in the knees. Had to rely on crutches though.

Then it came back again in 2016, while teaching. I couldn't walk properly. I went to see my GP, Dr. Joseph Arul and he sent me for another MRI. It only showed mild disc bulge. So I had to go for more physiotherapy, twice a week for 3 months. I could finally walk again after that.

Fast forward to my postgraduate convocation in November. I didn't notice that I was too tired and fell asleep on the wheel. Fortunately woke up and didn't have any accident on the highway.

Then the next month, December, was when I went to New Zealand with my mom, sister, brother and brother in law, together with my aunt, uncle and cousins. We had to stay at Melbourne during transit. I lifted something to put it on the top of a double tier bed. That was when I suddenly fell on my buttocks. I told my siblings to not let mom know about it.

Didn't realize it was the start of a worse attack. When I started as a permanent teacher early 2017, I just had minor pain. But then I had to travel a lot to prepare for the wedding on January 28th. After our marriage, I returned to my everyday life in Sg. Petani, Kedah. Renting a room, travelling to school every morning at 6.30am to avoid the traffic congestion.

Pretty soon, I had major pain that felt like period pain multiplied by 1000 that would appear suddenly while teaching. I lost bowel and bladder control worse than 2016, I had limited vision and poor night vision.

I had to take medical leave almost every week, went to see a doctor every weekend. None of them knew what my problem was.

Then I went back to KL, thinking of going to HKL. So I had to take 4 days MC since I was in too much pain and even some teachers noticed that I was pale. Went to 2 clinics and both doctors wrote referrals for me to go to the hospital ASAP. But then my aunt passed away so I went to Johor. I went down in Johor and couldn't join the funeral prayers.

When I went back to KL and went to HKL on that Monday, 13 March 2017, I was immediately hospitalized due to a pain scale of 9 out of 10.

It was a long month at the hospital. I gained weight at the hospital since I didn't do much - lying down, tested, prodded, went to the toilet, eat. I couldn't walk at all when I was first admitted. Had to rely on assistance.

The 2nd week was when I received the news. After a full spinal and brain MRI.

Multiple Sclerosis.

I pitied my husband who slept on a chair, head on my bed on my first day in the ward, then sleeping on the floor when I finally got the first class ward.When the doctor broke the news, he fell sitting on his bum. Something big, something that changed everything.

You'd be surprised if I told you that I guessed Multiple Sclerosis in 2016 when treatments didn't work on 'PID'. It was by chance when I noticed my toes went up when tickled. That wasn't normal. I know that the normal response would be the toes going down. I was a nursing student for a short while.

So I spent my final week in rehab, the youngest patient there, relearning how to stand and walk.

Now?

I have multiple appointments at the hospital with neurology, ophtalmology (eyes), psychiatry, urology, rehab and occupational therapy. Also on Gabapentin 600, Baclofen, Lactulose and Rebif (interferon beta-1a) sub-Q.

Many doctors wondered how I didn't throw a fit finding out I'm having a long-term disease.I'll share this: ACCEPTANCE. I'm a Muslim so I believe that everything happens for a reason that I might not know now. Perhaps in the afterlife. Redha, we call it. When I teach, I teach because of Allah. Now, I'm fighting back to function because that is a form of jihad!

Alhamdulillah, I found out that I have MS when medication was available for me. I thank Dr. Shanthi, Neurologist at HKL for getting me the quota of Rebif since my Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS) is quite aggressive. I saw what became of my brain in the MRI film.They said the inflammation is worse in the spinal cord.

I'll fight. I'll live.

Other teachers told me they had no idea I was sick since I always smiled, helped around even sharing resources and never complained that I was in pain.

That's how I cope. By smiling. By doing what I love.

I believe that I'm tested with this disease in the world, dun'ya, because I'm strong enough. Allah doesn't test more than a person can handle.

When people kept telling me to be positive, my mind went: God, you don't have anything else to say? If I'm not positive, I'd have given up. LOL

So that's it for now. Hopefully I won't have to do plasma transfer sometime soon. The thought of a line on my neck gives me shivers.

Now Happy Iftar, and have a blessed Eidul-fitr people!

P.S. First raya with husband! Love you abang!

There's always goodbye and hello in life...

Tomorrow... Tomorrow... and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day

こんばんは！

I have been terribly remiss in my blogging, I know. However, sophomore year in college has kept me busy most times and it seems like everyday, there is always something to do. Though it's not like secondary school anymore since I get to choose my classes, it certainly isn't as easy as 1,2,3. I've realized that with the freedom to choose the subjects I would take for each incoming semester comes also the responsibility to keep tabs of prerequisites and wisely choose the subjects (not to mention, being alert of the subjects that are rarely offered so I won't get stuck when choosing the subjects later on).

Since my academic advisor would be leaving at the end of the fall semester, I really began to think of the handful of people who made a difference in my life so far in college.

My academic advisor has been really helpful, really understanding and a responsible as well as a concerned person throughout my freshman year and part of my sophomore year. He taught me philosophy and world religions, and his methods were impressive. It made classes nothing less than interesting, and never boring. So, I'd really want to thank him!

My ex-boss used to say (and I think the only wisdom he ever gave me -don't know about the others): Lots of people can have the knowledge, but only few can impart them.

I think that is very true. In my honest opinion, my advisor is such a person.

In college too, I have met friends who I am glad to associate with. They never realized how much they touched my life, and made my day. Just laughing with them, making jokes, listening to their angst and stories, laughing and feeling concerned together... it makes all the difference in the world. Even when I think 『寂しいな・・・』, they would make me feel that I'm not really alone as I like to think.

I also forged a long-distance friendship with someone from India. I can't believe how much we have in common by just knowing in each other through the fanfiction community. Before this, I've had pen-pals and they never lasted long since most of them were ignorant of my country (Malaysia is not Singapore, thank you very much. It neighbours Singapore. We're also not some reclusive island country off the map), or most can't seem to accept my religion (but no matter, to each their own.)

But no matter, I have plenty of friends who respects me for who I am, and I respect them for who they are. By the way, Happy Diwali/Deepavali, Ani. Tell me about it in your next e-mail, won't you?

The most important thing for me, with so many friends of different background, beliefs and culture, is tolerance that will eventually breed understanding. We learn to love each other for our differences because that is what makes us unique and truly us.

I'm a creature of peace. Are you with me? (Do join the club. Trust me, it's larger than it seems! Hahaha)

So there... I hope I do not offend anyone, and while I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, we can't always say what we want without fully accepting the consequences. Equivalent exchange, karma, logic, whatever you want to call it. So I do apologize in advance. Life is too short to be making enemies or fight with others.

Before I log off, I'll be saying goodnight in three languages excluding English:
おやすみなさい, bonne nuit, and selamat malam.

Before I forget, Today's Pearl of wisdom:
Le monde est un livre dont chaque pas nous ouvre une page
~ Alphonse de Lamartine, Voyage en Orient VIII

Translation: The world is a book; each step opens a page for us.

Let's chew on that thought.

A New Leaf Turns

In life, change is inevitable...

Lately, I have found absolution. At least, that's what I have likened the new changes I could see in myself.

I've braved new challenges; opened a bank account that I actually use, opened another education fund by myself, taught 10 to 12-year-old children in 4 subjects, learned how to drive a manual car...

There's so much you can do in so little time.

Then there's that waning addiction towards japanese anime and fanfiction. Don't get me wrong, I still like them, just not as crazy as I used to.

On the other hand, I still hadn't made a dent on Liszt's La Campanella. I know I'm supposed to practice the piece but I've been sidetracked by other endeavours, namely the pieces: Musette by Mozart, Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, Canon in D by Pachalbel, An American Tail Theme Song (my staple, I'm afraid), Pomp and Circumstance by Edward Elgar and a few Chopin works.

Suffice to say I'll have to start back from the beginning if I were to successfully play La Campanella - and avoiding note omission where possible, of course.

Besides that, there's the fact that SPM results will be announced in mid-March. I'm so nervous and scared I could vomit. At least I have done my university and college applications already. If not, I'd be in a world of trouble.

In the meantime, I'll use the time in my hands to better myself before furthering my studies. I'm sure something worth doing will come. After all, take life by the moment, take the moment as if you are living a lifetime. Take a lifetime as if there is no tomorrow. In other words, God is always your guide for tomorrow might be the day God decides to call you. Keep in mind that always do good today before your chance to do good tomorrow is taken away.

That's a piece of wisdom for now.

For the time being, it'll do.

This is me, signing out for the night.