Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I want to be able to have fun on my own, rather than stay at home alone doing nothing but chores all day, all week for the whole semester break. The boredom and loneliness is too much to bear and I find myself reduced to tears.

Loneliness is such a harsh thing to bear, for without the company of at least one other person, and an unreliable cable which shows nothing but static, it's a perfectly boring place to be in. I don't want to spend all day in front of the computer - I want to be out there, walking, looking at things I probably wouldn't buy, but enjoying the exercise none-the-less. But this loneliness just makes the computer an unmoving, emotionless companion.

For the first time, I'm writing something non-optimistic.

I wanted to follow my sister (imouto) to the shopping complex, not to tag along with her friends, but to go the shops I long to go to (away from her and her friends)... like the sushi counter, the giant Japanese cream puff stall... but I know she doesn't like it. So, despite my deepest wish, I told her that it's alright if she didn't want me to follow. Her readiness to agree to that kinda put me down - a lot.

In the first place, I didn't really ask to follow, but my dad proposed that I followed her. I wanted to take up that chance to breathe a little. But as a sister, you can somehow sense what your sibling is feeling. I knew she didn't want me around. So, what could I do?

She's exceedingly lucky to be able to stay somewhere outside of home and experience life away from home. Although I can drive, but my mobility is limited. Dad needs to use my car, and even if I can use the car, it doesn't mean I can simply waltz out.

So here I am, at home, just like every other day, lonely.

It's such a scary word. Even if we'll be alone when we die, it doesn't mean that we have to be lonely when we can enjoy other people's company.

A year away from home has made my sister so out-of-tune from my feelings. She can no longer get the hint when her jokes are hurtful to me, when her "aloofness" meant rejection, and when she goes out with her friends and I stay at home alone looking after the house meant I would be lonely while she enjoys time with her friends.

Life, well, it cannot always be fair. Maybe I'll get my share of enjoyment... someday... somehow... if possible... god-willing.


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